Envisage

If there is an award that should be created solely for me then it’s the award for irrelevance. I am random to such an extent that what I see in my mind is what bleeds right onto my keyboard. This title has absolutely nothing to do with what I am writing at the moment but the flow is just too solid.

I must say, pain is such a kind person. Really. This is because when we invite it in and it always comes. Mostly the invite is done unintentionally, clouded by loads and loads of preoccupation, ignorance, love, lust, hunger, hatred or maybe intoxication, or even anger ironically. My pain comes from my mind. I decided to name her Hazel. Yes, I just gave my mind a name. She is more than just a resident to old brains’ land lordship, she has moved to greater heights, to get greater views.

In my entire life I always thought I held everything together, but a night like this is begging me to fall apart. It’s funny how a person who’s known for always smiling and giggling is not liked by such a big number of people. You are told not to worry because well not everyone will like you and that you must know that people are jealous and full of hatred. You are given a boatload of stories and speeches about how staying strong will help you rise from the negativity and hatred bought by mankind. It’s just everything that most people who have the energy to keep on with the squabbles believe.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be mother Theresa 2016 or anything, in fact, I am one for not caring and not begging where I don’t benefit. I don’t apologise, especially when I don’t feel like it. Sounds cool and strong right? Well no. it is exhausting and overwhelming. It is tiring and drains the living sauce out of your veins. I seem to love peace so bad, that I’m scared of it. Is it because too much of everything is not good? I’m addicted to controversy. It’s a good thing because you have your life lined out and no one is going to be parasitic whatsoever. Its actually a very good place to be. But what if you are just tired? No energy, nothing.

What if you just feel like apologising to all the people you have done wrong, or contrary. As long as you guys are not seeing eye to eye. Everyone. Old, young, close, not close, friend, relative, stranger and even the one who’s name you don’t even know. No, you are not looking for love or prizes or anything of that kind. All you are looking for is just that civil feeling. Nothing else. You just want to close your eyes knowing that no bad vibes are surrounding your head, or the head of your counterpart in the matter.

Every breath feels like the very last with this burden.  I’m living with demons and they are inviting more.

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